To Feel Something Anything

In my brain there is nothing, just a spongy void
No spark, no signal, and the world is distant
A surface-only cluttering of meaningless objects
I feel nothing, I feel nothing
An animated corpse, just a walking flesh man
Taking up space, just moving the air around
Stagnant-water mind, heavy in disuse
I need to feel something, I need to feel something

I reach for my choice of recreational drug
Treble espresso, it's hot and it's black
Down it in one, feel the scorching pain
And briefly I feel like I'm alive again

But it's hardly been a moment and the buzz is over
Heartbeat pounding, brain barely ticking over
Rivulets of sweat running down from my armpit
Still I feel nothing, still I feel nothing
I reach for a bottle, start downing the whiskey
The heat and the fire, as it hits in my belly
Keep knocking it back as I revel in the pain
I need to feel something, I need to feel something

The worlds starts sliding, my mind starts wandering
Entranced by cobwebs, dust and leaves
But sensation is dulled, I'm cocooned from the pain
Only briefly did I feel I was alive again

I've a mirror and the powder and I reach for the razor blade
Grinding and aligning, I breathe it in deep
The sting and the burning are but transient sensations
Then again I feel nothing, again I feel nothing
I eye up the razor blade and strip to the skin
The flesh parts easily and blood runs free
Dispassionate I'm watching as my life flows away
Surely I feel something, I must feel something

A hypodermic needle now dangles from a vein
I wander if I'll notice when it hits my brain
A final retreat from the absence of pain
It's looking like I'll never feel alive again