The Glossary

A list of questionable usefullness of terms you may be baffled by.

Acid

Stuff that makes wine taste sharp. Also contributes to the bouquet (q.v.) and brilliance. Can have too much or too little.

Airlocks

Those bizarre plastic (or sometimes glass) things that go in the top of demi-johns and let gas go out but stop stuff getting in. They bubble a lot and tend to keep you awake at night.

Alcohol

The whole point. The part of wine that makes you drunk. Why am I telling you this? You know all about alcohol.

Aperitif

Any wine drunk before eating, ostensibly to induce appetite, but in fact as an excuse to start drinking early.

Aroma

Smell (next question).

Beginners Guide

Everything you need to know about how to make wine, written by two genius vinificators.

Blending

The art and science of mixing wines and/or spirits together.

Body

Hmmm... Sort of the amount of umph a wine has. The flavour (or perhaps character) per unit volume.

Bouquet

See aroma.

Bottle

Handy glass device for keeping the wine in one place, and for stopping it from getting on the carpet. Also the act of placing newly made wine into such a device.

Brewing

The turning of sugar into alcohol. Generally reserved as a term for refering to beer. See also fermenting.

Campden Tablets

Miraculous tablets that one simply has to add to wine. Apparently they prevent the growth of micro organisms (or something).

Carbon Dioxide

Gas farted by yeast in its efforts at producing alcohol.

Cellar

Any collection of one or more (preferably vintage (qv)) bottles of wine.

Champagne

Any lightish, whitish wine that is sparkling.

Cider

Fizzy, alcoholic drink made from apples, using only the sugar contained therein. (As distinct from apple wine, where additional sugar is added, and different rituals employed)

Clearing

The art and science of making wine not murky using assorted tricks, rituals and paraphenalia.

Corks

Those things that stop the wine falling out of the bottles. Available in plastic and original cork flavour. The art of forcing corks into bottles in the first place is known as corking and involves a mysterious device known as a flogger.

Curacoa

Mysterious blue liquour that taste kinda like cough medicine.

Currants

See sultanas...

Decanting

The act and art of pouring wine from one vessel into another. Often accompanied by much posturing and pretentiousness. A candle is sometimes also employed(?).

Demi-John

A large glass jar of around a gallon's capacity. What exactly a `john' is, no-one knows. A semi-demi-john is called a "winchester" (obviously).

Dessert Wine

Any especially sweet wine. Generally used as an excuse to keep drinking after the meal is over. See also aperitif.

Distilling

The science of making wine stronger than it has any right to be using a cunning array of glassware and tubing. Easy in theory, difficult in practice.

Drinking

The art and science of getting wine from the bottle into one's belly through use of various devices, e.g. glasses.

Dry

Not sweet, in the same way that "cold" means "not hot".. (qv sugar)

Enzyme

Ask a biochemist about it.

Equipment

The assorted tubes, glassware and chemicals that wine makers use, and non wine makers are baffled by. In large enough quantities, can make a kitchen look like an underground medical laboratory of questionable ethics.

Fermentation

The act of the sugar turning into alcohol. Also the art of persuading it to do so.

Filtering

The act of forcing wine through a filter with the intention of seperating it from its gunk.

Finings

Anything added to a wine after fermentation has ceased with the intention of causing the crap therein to sink to the bottom of the demi-john (qv), thus facilitating racking and clearing.

Flogger

A contraption for forcing corks (against their will) into wine bottles.

Food Colouring

Can be employed to make your wine a more interesting colour. The look on someones face when a deep blue liquid emerges from a bottle harmlessly marked 'apple' is something worth remembering.

Fortification

The act of chucking in things like brandy and vodka. Motives for doing this are generally questionable, but can be justified with experienced bluffing, e.g by calling it blending.

Gin

The best drink in the world according to the gospel of Alec. Can be made badly with a kit (qv).

Glasses

Useful devices for transporting wine from the bottle to the mouth.

Grain

Barley, rye, wheat etc that is added to must to increase body. Will often make the resulting wine kick like brandy.

Gravity

A troublesome thing responsible for wine drinkers falling over. Oh, wait, you mean specific gravity!

Heater

Gadget for warming demi-johns, thus keeping the yeast happy. A similar-looking device can be bought in Ann Summers. Also avalible in boring tray form.

Hydrometer

A cunning device for measuring the specific gravity of stuff.

Kits

Essentially a tin of concentrated juice and a list of instructions. A good way to start out. Also, 'high alcohol' kits are available for making such things as gin, whiskey and blue curacao.

Label

A piece of paper stuck to a bottle with pritt-stick to facilitate the identification of the contents.

Law

That awkward thing that says its a really bad idea to distill stuff, and that makes alcohol really expensive to buy.

Lees

More commonly refered to as "gunk". Found at the bottom of demi-johns. Dealt with by racking.

Mead

Essentially honey wine.

Must

The initial mixture of ingredients you have chucked in a bucket and mushed.

Nutrient

A cocktail of chemicals that one adds to the mixture to put the yeast in a happy mood.

Oxidation

The interaction between wine and air. Sometimes desirable, sometimes not, depending on your inclination.

Pectin

Stuff found in various berry-type things that causes hazey effects in wine. As this is dreadfully un-aesthetic, one adds pectolytic enzyme to rid oneself of it.

Philosophy

The art and science of believing stuff in such a way that other people want to believe it too.

Pretentiousness

The only ingredient that is more important than yeast or sugar.

Punch

The 'drink' you get served at parties which is a mix of all the things that people brought. With skill and blending one can create a concoction that is quite palatable.

Racking

Siphoning the cleared wine from out of one demi-john into another.

Raisins

See sultanas.

Recipe

A suggestion for something to ferment. Occasionally useful after brain failure.

Sherry

Any wine that is pretty strong and very oxidised. Wines bottled with plastic corks (qv) tend to turn into sherry after some time for reasons that are still under debate.

Siphoning

The art of getting wine to flow through a plastic tube from one place to another.

Sparkling

Like fizzy, but more posh.

Specific gravity

Kind of like the density of liquid compared to water. Measured with a hydrometer (qv).

Strength

A measure of how little wine is required to get one drunk.

Stuck

A polite word used to describe wine that has decided not to ferment.

Sugar

The white granular substance that gets eaten by yeast to produce alcohol. Also used (by heathens) to sweeten coffee.

Sultanas

Dried grapes. Used to add body (q.v) to a wine in which there isn't any. Raisins are similar, but turn the wine orange (weird), not sure where currants stand on the issue.

Sweeteners (artificial)

Substance that isn't sugar that is added to wine to make it taste sweeter. Usually done on opening a bottle and discovering the contents to be undrinkably dry.

Tannin

Adds dryness and astringency. Dead handy if you know what astringency means.

Tasting

Like drinking, but with more pretentiousness.

Titration

Posh way of measuring acidity.

Ullage

Archaic term meaning the air at the top of a demi-john. Only in this glossary 'cos Tom likes the word.

Whiskey

The Water of Life. The best drink in the world as preached by Tom.

Wine flies

Also known as Vinegar flies. Irritating little creatures that drown in your airlocks (qv). If they get into the wine, rumour has it they will transform it into vinegar.

Vermouth

The second best drink in the world. Can be made very well with a kit (qv).

Vinegar

Any indescribably bad wine.

Vintage

The time when the wine was made. In the real world, this is the year... In our world it is the month. Also any wine bottled more than two months ago is described as "vintage".

Yeast

A plant that motivates religious behaviour. Numerous rituals are performed to promote its happiness and well-being. It eats sugar and creates alcohol. It is thus the centre of attention of all your efforts.